About a month ago I called an educational psychologist and made an appointment to get my son officially evaluated for dyslexia.  I remember the  conversation very well, I asked if it would be covered on my insurance and the doctor wasn't sure, and asked me if I wanted to wait and find out first.  I said, "No, because even if its not covered my son needs to be tested, so I'll just set up the appointment now, and if insurance doesn't cover it I'll pay out of pocket."  From there the doctor proceeded to set up an appointment with me.  10:30 on April 16.

So yesterday I got up, got all my kids ready, and went to catch the 9:25 Ferry across Puget Sound to go to this doctors appointment, only to get there and find out that the doctor never put me in the appointment book.  I came all that way for nothing. 

That might not seem that big a deal, but the Ferry tickets are not cheap.  It cost $11.85 on the way over, because passengers are free going that way and you only pay for car and driver.  The way back was a different story, the kids are $5.55 each so that came to $16.65, plus the cost of car and driver again which brings the return trip price to $28.50.  So the round trip to go over there and waste my time cost me $40.35.  On top of that, there was the gas driving around the city looking for an office that was very hard to find with the directions given me, stopping to get food at lunch time because we didn't have time to pack a lunch (we were concerned about "being late" for our vanishing appointment). 

The doctor asked if I wanted to reschedule.  I said, "No, I'll find someone else."

So now I have to try to find another psychologist trained in diagnosing learning disabilities.  I may have to do another Ferry trip to get it done, and that is okay with me as long as they keep the appointment.  It certainly won't be at the same office though, if they aren't competent enough to write down the appointments they make, I don't think I want them being the ones to diagnose my son.

Since by the time we got home we had wasted our homeschool day, we decided to go to the park for a little while and let the kids play while my older daughter and I took photos.  Of all the ones I took, this is my favorite one.  The rest are posted HERE. 

 After all of that, we still had to drive into Bremerton, which is over 28 miles in the opposite direction of the Ferry, to get my daughter something to wear for the Homeschool High School Formal.  So I had a pretty busy day  yesterday, and a frustrating one at that.

I first met my Father-in-law in 1990, I was dating my future husband and he brought me to meet his parents. I remember my thoughts that day...

I grew up in a family where we showed affection to each other, but not really to people we didn't know really well.  If you came to our house, you would be greeted cordially, but not warmly.  So I was unprepared for what happened when I met my husband's parents.  I entered the door, was introduced, and both of his parents greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  My father-in-law also grabbed my arm and squeezed it in what I am sure he meant as a friendly gesture... he squeezed so tightly he left bruises where his fingers were.  Both of my husband's parents treated me like a member of the family from the very start, they were great, but I found them a little overwhelming at first, their affectionate behavior would take some getting used to.

When my husband I were married, I was so glad to officially be a member of this loving family.  I rarely ever really thought of my in-laws in the terms that many people think of in-laws, instead I felt like I had two sets of parents, and when my own mom passed away, I took great comfort in knowing that I still had my Mother-in-law, who, along with my Father-in-law, made me feel like I had been adopted by them.

My father-in-law was a no nonsense kind of guy, and while he showed physical affection readily, he didn't express his feelings in words.  He wasn't the kind of guy to often say, "I love you", in fact I am not sure if I ever heard those words from him.  But he showed his love every day.  He always thought about how to help others.  Whether that was by letting us rent a house for much less than he could have gotten from anyone else, building a fence in front of that house to give my first daughter a safe place to play, or giving my husband a riding lawn mower so that he could maintain the property we were blessed with by him and his brother. If I was to make a list of all the ways that man helped over the years, it would be incredibly long, I wonder if he knew just how much I appreciated him, how much I loved him.

He lived next door, and I remember how he would come up to our house, and rather than walking up the door and knocking, he would look into the windows to see if anyone was up and around.  I would be walking through the house and catch sight of him out of the corner of my eye and be so startled.  It used to drive me crazy.  Now that he is gone I am saddened that it will never happen again.

He used to love to tease people, and always had a joking remark about things I would say.  Sometimes I was irritated by that, but the other day as I was considering sharing with my mother-in-law my goals for the coming year, I forgot for just a minute that he was gone, and I imagined the things he might say.  Then I remembered and knew I would give anything to hear him say them.

While he always had a joke to tell, he was never truly critical of me.  Many times he stopped by when the house was a huge mess, but never did he say anything about it.  He always seemed to overlook my faults, as if he couldn't see them.  He would say that I was pretty, but not mention that I was obese.  He would tell me I was doing a great job with my kids, but not mention that I couldn't seem to keep a clean house.  He only mentioned the positive things to me, and never did anything that made me feel like less of a person.

Now he is gone, and I am wondering if he knew how much I loved him and appreciated all this about him.  I know I told him that I loved him, but I don't think I ever sat down and had a heart to heart telling how much I appreciated him, telling him that I thought he was wonderful.  I doubt he would have let me finish if I'd tried, because he really never would sit and listen to someone praise him, he would have shrugged it off and tried to make his good points seem insignificant.

Well, I know he is with the good Lord now, and I don't know if he can see us here on Earth or not, but I pray that somehow he knows how special he was to me, and how much I'll miss him.

 ¹ Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,

To the pilgrims of the Dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, ² elect according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience and sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ:

Grace to you and peace be multiplied.
   
³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, ⁵ who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
(1 Peter 1:1-5, New King James Version)

We must never forget that although scripture contains many exhortations and encouragements for us to live righteously, and we certainly should heed these, our rebirth is only because of God's abundant mercy.  It is He who saved us, He who begot us again.

Not only is it He who saved us, it is He who keeps us.  No matter how often, or how badly we fail, He never abandons us.  There are consequences in this earthly life for our failings, often serious consequences, and there will even be loss of some reward in eternity, but our eternal salvation is kept in Him, by His grace and love.  (See 1 Corinthians 3:11-15)  It is He who reserves our share of Christ's inheritance, and it is He who keeps us by His power.

We can never take pride in being saved, because we did not do any of it, God did it all.

The book of James made it clear that we are to watch our actions and make sure we are walking as we should.  (See "Useless Religion", "Pure Religion", "Dead Faith", "Who is at the Helm", "More on Wisdom", "Watch Your Own Step",  "Whose Plan", and "What to Do"). Putting James together with this and many other passages of the New Testament makes it clear: we are responsible for our actions, but God is responsible for the saving of our souls, we simply need to trust in Him to do that.

Psalm 138:8
"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands."

It can be so discouraging to look at our own weaknesses, our own sinful tendencies, the way we always manage to fall short, to miss the mark. As the same temptations, the same failures, rise to the surface time and time again, it can begin to seem hopeless; as if we will NEVER cease to struggle with these things. If all we look at is our own strength, our own ability to strive after righteousness, we will soon be discouraged and depressed, because in our own strength we can do NOTHING good.

However, when we take our eyes off of ourselves, and look into God's word, we find that it is He who will work out the perfection of that which concerns us. It is He who promises to complete the work He began in us. He promises that one day it WILL be complete, that He will be faithful to complete and perfect us in His timing, and according to His perfect will. We are the work of His hands, and He will not quit before He has perfected that work.

Not only that, but He also assures us that His mercy is enduring, eternal. He does not look at our failures and grow impatient, His mercy continues to endure and extend forgiveness to us no matter how many times we must ask forgiveness for the same thing. While we may be discouraged, to the point of being sick of ourselves, He loves us and delights in us as dear children, and always extends His mercy and grace. He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us... that He will continue His work in us until it is perfect and complete.

What an awesome thing it will be to not only be free from the outward trials and tribulations of this world, but free of the inward battle of the new nature against the old nature, because it is my own sin that bothers me, far more than the sin of others. My heart's desire is to glorify God every moment, with every breath... but the reality is that I DON'T, and that is discouraging. That fact causes me to look forward to His return even more than the outward trials of this world do. I want the very ability to sin to be removed from me, so that I NEVER again have to know that I have brought dishonor to my Lord. So I am eager for that day, the day when not only will we be free of the power of sin and the penalty of sin, but will be free of the very presence of sin. That day when I will no longer even have to deal with my fallen sinful nature, that day when I will be perfected in Him, and will truly glorify Him with my whole being. When I will be able to worship Him with absolutely every part of me, nothing held back, nothing reserved, and no end to the worship. That day will truly be glorious.

Come quickly Lord!

Philippians 1:6
"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;"

Hebrews 13:5b
"For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” "

Since God has decided to bless me with personal revival, it is hard to think about anything else.  I won't say that this past week has been completely without struggle.  I mean, I still have times when the enemy tries to bring condemnation and doubt, but for the most part I have never been more full of joy than I am right now.

My quiet times have changed so much.  In the past, I would read a chapter, and then pray.  Sometimes my prayers related to what I read, sometimes they didn't, but almost always, it was just a thing to get done.  That has changed so much!  For example yesterday I had a kind of lazy day because I wasn't feeling very good physically.  I spent most of the day on the computer, streaming worship music and playing around on Facebook. Sometime in the late afternoon, a feeling of extreme sadness took hold of me.  It wasn't condemnation, it was just a very lonely, sad feeling.  Tears came to my eyes.  Then I realized that I had not spent ANY time in prayer or in God's word yet.   I realized that I was longing for time alone with the lover of my soul.

I went outside and sat down out by some trees in my back yard.  I began to pray, but had a feeling like I just wasn't connecting.  So I opened up my Bible to Psalm 128.  I began reading, and replying to what God was saying to me in the passage.

It went something like this:

Vs. 1-2   "When the Lord brought back the captivity of Zion, We were like those who dream.  Then our mouth was filled with laughter, And our tongue with singing, Then they said among the nations, "The Lord has done great things for them.""

My response to God... (approximately)  "Yes Lord, you have brought me out of captivity, and it does seem like a dream.  You have filled my mouth with laughter, and put a song in my heart.  Lord, I pray that you would continue to work in my heart so that those who know me will glorify You and say, "The Lord has done great things", but Lord, let it only glorify you.  Not me.  Let it be so clearly the work of your hand, that no one will notice me at all, but will see you in me."

vs. 3-4  "The Lord has done great things for us, And we are glad.  Bring back our captivity, O Lord, As the streams in the South."

My approximate response, "Yes Lord, you have moved in an awesome way.  You have done mighty things in me.  Lord I pray that any part of me that is still captive will be set free.  I pray Lord that if there is anything that is keeping me from being totally yielded to you, that you will show me and give me the strength to root it out of my life."

Then God showed me a thing or two that needed to be yielded.  I prayed about them and thanked Him for showing me.

vs. 5-6,
"Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy.  He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him."

Then I thanked God the tears of my sorrow and had finally brought forth fruit.  I prayed also that He would hear my prayers, and see my tears for those I've hurt in the past, and that he would bring forth fruit in their lives as well.  I prayed that He would heal them.  I asked that He would send me forth with the seed of His gospel, that He would break my heart for the lost and let those tears bring forth fruit.

After this, I almost put away my Bible, but God seemed to say to my spirit, "Turn to Romans 8".

"But Lord", I said, "That's not on my Bible reading chart for today, and besides, I already KNOW Romans 8 very well, because its my favorite chapter in the whole Bible."

God said, "Don't you think that I know what you need to read more than you do?  Turn to Romans 8".

So I turned to Romans 8, and began praying through it in the same manner.

Vs. 1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit."

Me:  "Lord, I thank you that there is no condemnation for me.  That I am in Christ and there is no one who can bring condemnation my way, the enemy may try, but Your word says that there is no condemnation and I choose to take You at Your word.  Lord, forgive me now for all those times in the past that I've walked in the flesh, not just the sin that started me down that road, but I ask your forgiveness for everything I've done since that time that was not done in the power of your Spirit.  I ask that You would help me to walk in the Spirit, to stay in step with Your Spirit from now on."

vs. 2 "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made free from the law of sin and death."

Me: "Oh Lord thank you for that, because according to Your law, I would be dead a thousand times over.  If I was judged according to the law I've earned myself death on many occasions.  I praise You Lord that through Your Spirit I am forgiven and made free from that law of sin and death."

This continued on through Romans 8, every verse was like God was specifically talking to me, and each time I would respond to what he said.  It was a real living conversation with my Lord.  I won't try to reproduce the entire conversation here.  But will jump ahead to a few of the more significant points.

vs. 8-11"So then those who are in the flesh cannot please God. But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you.  Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His.  And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.  But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will l also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you."

Me: "Oh Lord, I am so sorry for walking after the flesh all those years.  I thank you that You are patient and loving and forgiving.  I praise you Lord that You have restored me to right fellowship with you.  I thank You that I do have Your Holy Spirit within me, and that You are showing me once again how to walk in step with with that Spirit.  I ask that you would show me how to be sensitive, how to stay in step with Your Spirit and how to walk in the Spirit each day.  Lord, Your word says that those who are in the flesh cannot please You.  Lord, please help me stay out of the flesh..."

At this point I was overcome, and I started sobbing to the Lord.  "Oh God, please help me to to continue walking in Your Spirit.  I am so prone to walk in the flesh.  So prone to worry what others think or to try and impress others in some way.  So prone to do things so that others may see.  Oh Lord!  Help me to not worry what anyone thinks, because those thoughts are of the flesh and cannot please you!  Oh Lord!  Help me to walk in the Spirit, because that is the only way I can be pleasing to You.  And that is all I really want Lord... I just want to be pleasing to You.  I just want to know that when You look at me, You are smiling.  I just want to hear You say, "Well done."  Lord, I want to please You.  All of these years, I have never felt that I was truly pleasing to You, and now I can see that it was because I was in the flesh most of the time.  I see now that there were only a few times when what I did was of the spirit, only a few times when I have been pleasing to You.   Lord, I want to please You with the remainder of my time.  I want You to use me to glorify Yourself, I want You to use me in ministry, but Oh God, please guard me against putting my eyes on myself.  Guard me against falling into the trappings of the flesh... I so easily fall into that...  Lord, I want to move in ministry, but if at any time that ministry stops being about You and what Your Spirit wants, if at any time that ministry starts to be in the flesh, or about drawing attention to myself, or worrying what other people think, then I ask that You will remove it from me.  Because Lord, if it is not being done in the Spirit then it cannot please You... and that is all I really want from the rest of life, to know that it pleases You.  If I am beginning to do things for my glory instead of Yours, then please Lord, just give me a ministry that no one can see but You.  I don't care what it is, as long as I know deep in my heart that I am doing Your will in a way that is pleasing to You."

This praying through the scripture continued...

vs. 31-34 "What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect?  It is God who justifies.  Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us."

Through this verse God showed me that indeed, He is for me.  And He built me up that even if there are those who would condemn me, it is Christ Himself who paid my price and is the only one who has a right to condemn me, and Christ does not condemn.

Through the rest of the chapter, I of course was seeing the awesome love of God, and how nothing can separate us from it.   As I was reading, and praying, my two young children came out and started playing nearby.  They were making noise and it was getting distracting.  My son ran off to get a rake, and my little daughter was scraping leaves into a pile.  I watched her for a few minutes and was ready to ask her to play somewhere else so I could finish praying and reading.  Suddenly, God spoke to my heart, "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for such is the kingdom of Heaven."   So I called my little girl over and gave her a hug.  I said, "Danielle, did you know that God loves you, and that the Bible says that God loves you so much that there is nothing in the whole world, nothing in the whole universe, that can separate you from His love?" 

"Yes!"  She said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, do you know what else, I love you too!  Give me a kiss and then you can go play."

After that I got chilly because the sun went behind the trees, so I moved to another location in the sun.  I opened God's word again, this time to Psalms where I had left off.  When I got to Psalm 130, I again began to pray through it.  I won't include all of that here, as my readers are probably ready for this to end.  But one thing that stood out, was how God had heard me when I cried to Him from the depths of my despair and guilt.  How He had heard me and been attentive to me.  And how there is forgiveness with God that cannot be found anywhere else.

Then I went back in the house refreshed and invigorated, ready to be productive.  I cleaned up the kitchen better than I have in a long time.  And sang out loud for joy with the worship music that was still streaming in through my computer.