I'm so frustrated I could spit!!  Of course, that'd short out my keyboard...

Backstory: those faithful readers who have followed things (numbering 1, counting me) remember my brother who eloped, told us weeks later?  Well, like a bad Poltergeist rerun, he's baaack!  Except this time, it's his...what's the word for someone who may be evil, but you're not sure the exact level of evil, and you don't want to offend such evil in cyberspace in case she ever paid attention to what I was typing?...there's no such word? Okay, then wife, but in quotations: "wife."

I get an Evite (so common!) to their rehearsal dinner the other day.

Backtracking: the kids aren't involved in the wedding - they weren't even invited.  Take a moment, dear readers - they aren't even INVITED to the wedding according to the envelope addressed to me and my husband!

The Evite invites us all to her dad and stepmom's, including the kids.  Seems nice, right?

No! You're so wrong!  These are the people who threw her out at 19, her dad was (is?) an alchoholic, and her stepmom was described BY HER in her own words as a controlling (you know what!).  Her dad's older, wife younger by almost half his age, and they have 2 small children under 5.  That I know of.

Why on Earth would I want to go to these strangers' house with my children?  Just asking.  So I send an email to that effect.  I reiterate that we're not involved in the wedding - that my kids aren't something you include at your convienence in one aspect of your occasion, but not another.  That... well, short of saying, "you're lucky I'm even attending your fake wedding to begin with" I said everything else on my mind.  I tried to do it in the nicest way possible, explaining how hurt I was by all this... Here, a copy/paste scenario - with names omitted, of course, and spelling errors in, so you can see what I'm dealing with (she hasn't found the return key to separate paragraphs, yet, either):

Hey Tough!
  Hope that things are going well with you guys right now! I wanted to let you about the rehersal dinner on WhateverDateIt'sOnDoesn'tMatter. The kids are more than welcome to come and join the festivities. My little brother and sister will be there as well so it should be a lot of fun for them. I just wanted you to know that I hope Voldemort will be able to make it as well. But its a 6pm at my parents house, which is relatively close to mom and dad's house. If you have any questions or what not, just let me know. Hope to see all of you guys there!!!!

Love,
"wife"

My response, snarky though it may be:

Dear "wife",
There are always things in life you wish you could undo, un-see, or un-hear.  Your past descriptions of your family here in (wherever it is I live) are what I wish I could un-hear.  I remember your dad being described by you as an alcoholic, and your stepmom described as a controlling (you know what).  These are, according to the story, the same people who wouldn't let you as a 19 yr old have a checking account, so you moved out.  

I'm confident you're not asking me to bring my children around such people, nor are you thinking that I might possibly be offended by the children's sudden involvement when it's been such a hot button issue for you in the rest of the wedding.  (And I can't understand your point of view here; you don't have your little siblings attending your wedding.  We simply disagree.)  

It is my belief that people in attendance of the rehearsal dinner are people meant to attend the wedding (immediate family, those standing up) and not those who are picked and chosen for particular aspects of the celebration (which I still believe is a moot point, as you're already married).

I'm sure there will be other times for us to get together, but I think the wedding week is stressful enough for you without having to deal with a recently-offended sister in law who doesn't share your point of view on the children-issue.  

Love Tough

Then, she calls and leaves a voicemail.  Totally innocuous, but a "call me back" was requested.

I then write the following:

Dear "wife",
>  I just recieved your voicemail.  I don't intend to call you back because I come across better in print than in "person."  Right now, I'm not sure I will come across as very nice over the phone.  I find if I have the time to think it over, see how it reads, and have time to fix it so it says what I mean it to say, I am much more clear communicating via email or chat.  I am afraid of a phone confrontation, as I've already had those with (let's call him J for fun!), and those haven't gone well.
>   
>  I love him, he's my brother.  We don't have the type of relationship I'd like to have with him, because I would love to be more in touch with him.  He's not a talker, and I respect that.  But if I talk with you or him over the phone right now, especially over this, I risk losing a relationship with him all together.  It's no secret I'm quick to anger.
>   
>  I have already agreed to attend the wedding, supporting you both.  There's nothing more I can do to show further support.  I feel I'm already meeting you both halfway in respecting your wishes to have an adult reception.  Since the children weren't invited to the wedding, I was already offended.  I thought I was closer to my brother than that.  I thought that no matter the distance, the relationship J forged with Diana actually meant something to him, and he wanted her to be a part of his life and major life events.  To hear that he's snubbed her as any part of the day really hurt us all.  She's really upset, and at this point in the game, J and Diana have an unfixable relationship.  She actually is refusing to have any part in seeing him when you guys arrive in town.  I'm not going to force her, since I had many years in being forced to see uncles I didn't like, and I resent those
>  events.
>   
>  Now, for me, I'm hurt.  To say this wedding was for the family, then not include half of my immediate family, really annoys me.  I realize it's becoming more common to not include the children in the receptions, but most couples think that family are acceptable attendees for such events.  I was brought up to believe family was important, and I would like to send my own children a message that they are important - not 'in the way' or an inconvience, and certainly not something to toss aside for an evening.  My children don't have a sitter- nor do I feel the need to find one.
>   
>  I had half a mind in the beginning of all this to just bring the kids anyhow, until someone pointed out that it might cause more controversy for me and J - again, something I'd like to avoid all together.  He's important to me, and you're important to him, ergo, you're important to me - which is why I am writing rather than talking over the phone.  I want to be sure you know that I want what's best for my brother AND you.  Since you guys don't want kids there, I will respect that.  Volde agreed to watch the kids while I attend your wedding.
>   
>  Beyond the "wedding" though, at least this time around, I really don't see a whole "happy family reunion" happening.  Beyond the lip service of "we love the kids" is the action behind it, which currently sends a conflicting message.  If you guys love the kids, they wouldn't have been excluded from your happy occasion.  Period.
>   
>  Then to get an invitation to a rehearsal dinner for a wedding none of my household is a part of, tossing the kids into that seems like an afterthought. It's just insulting, and while I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across that way, it did.  My children aren't an afterthought.  They are included in our lives, raised and educated by us, and spend a majority of their time among grownups in the real world.
>   
>  "Love me, Love my kids."  We are a package deal; a unified front.
>   
>  I'm open to email correspondence, I'm open to any questions or challenges you've got for me and my ideas, my logic and everything else.  I'm just not doing this over the phone because I love J and don't want to hurt you by saying something I will later wish I could take back.  Again, it's no secret I'm quick to anger.  I get hot headed and blow up in person (kinda like J does, LOL) and I don't want to do that today.  I'd rather have the time I need to formulate my words, my ideas, and make sure I'm not all "yelly."  I apologize for any inconvienence this causes, but I'm not willing to lose ANY family members over this.
>   
>  Love, Tough

To which she responds thus, in a rather "yelly" tone if you ask me:

Tough,
  I understand that you would perfer to speak over email, but I feel that as adults we should be able to speak over the phone reagrding this whole situation. though you said you get angry rather quickly, we are family now and your an adult and should be able to handle your emotions a little better. I would like to work this out with you and I do not want to keep agruing about this issue. Which is a small issue that has been taken and blown up into something completely ridiculous. The kids should NOT be placed in the middle of the situation. At all! You are the one the is creating this animosity between the family. I would suggest calling your brother like the adult you claim to be and apologize. You are the only one that has a problem with this one rule we had. We gave you almost a year to find a sitter and you choose to want manipulate your family to get your way. That's realy low and hurtful Tough. Gamily doesn't do that. And for that email
proior, um that was 6 years ago that I spoke to you about my family. They have since changed and are a huge part of my life. You have NO right to throw that in my face AT ALL!!!!!! Not only was that comment disrespectful to me but to my family. I have never in my life have had someone act like this. Stop being so emotional about this whole situation. Its not all about you Tough! And for that, my question to you is why can't you have a nice night out with your husband at our wedding? I might be nice for you to get out and not have to worry about the kids for once. J is very hurt by you acting like this and it causing him more stress than he needs. And I am choosing not to tell him about what you said about Diana. That is wrong and hurtful to say. She is 8 years old and J has never once did anything to her. If you would have explained to your child that its because of money she maybe would have understood. If you would like to speak, I would
suggest calling so we can talk this over like adults and like family.

(wow - that was either left field calling or someone's escaped the underworld and J never noticed!) While she raises valid points, she's obviously not a proofreader...

My response:

Outbursts like this are why I chose to email, rather than over the phone.  I feel my tone with you has been respectful thusfar.  If you have taken offense, I apologize, but I'm not apologizing for my feelings, or the fact that I am better at typing a response than talking it out in person.

I have nothing to apologize to J for. Diana is 8 years old, and old enough to understand what's going on.  We live in a house that is under 1000 sq feet - there's not much that goes on that goes unnoticed.  She is aware that it is NOT a money issue, as that had been brought up by Mom.  I know she offered to pay their way.  I know our wedding gift would've covered the cost, too.  Please don't insult my intelligence in saying it's about money, because we all know that's not true.  We don't understand your reason for not wanting kids there - most likely because we have 2 of our own.  If anything, J owes Diana an apology, and a REAL reason she's not welcome.  

You said what you said about your family.  I never, NEVER heard you say anything beyond that because you haven't talked to me in the last 6 years.  I didn't throw anything in your face, since I was keeping my tone respectful and calm, and refraining from namecalling (aside from what YOU had quoted to me years ago). 

You can call me low, and believe I'm the one with some sort of power in all this, but the reality is people can make their own judgement calls on any issue they choose.  I never said anything to my parents to make them side with me.  I asked them if they knew you guys were asking me to find a sitter for the evening - the rest was their reaction to family being excluded.   

I have no control over my parents or their reactions.  I have no control over Diana's reactions - she may be "only" 8 yrs old, but she is wise beyond those years.  

YOU are the one who continues to make it an issue, not me.  "one rule"? - I'm saddened by this.  I truly hope you learn the joy that your own children bring.  I hope you know the feeling of sadness when you have to leave them in the hands of strangers.  I may be 'immature' in my feelings about my kids, but so what?  They're mine, not yours.  I understand people wanting to leave their kids behind for an evening, but it's not something we've ever felt in 8 years!  Remember, we don't drink or anything, we're not big partiers, we're homebodies.  We like our family time.  To ask us to leave them behind is like asking us to lop off an arm - it's not happening.  We don't care about being alone together on a date or anything - we're weird.  

Even if the whole family were invited to the wedding and reception, we wouldn't have stayed past 9pm.  We wouldn't have drank anything, and our booze placecards would've been a waste.  We would've stayed to watch your "first dance" and maybe the cake cutting, but beyond that, we would've been gone.  We would've included a generous wedding gift to cover our plates and a little extra for your trouble, and the entire extended family would have noticed nothing out of the ordinary.  Since I'm attending the wedding only, on principle, this scenario won't happen.  

You chose this path, not me.  You see this as being within my control.  I'm nobody in this wedding, I don't understand how you think I have any manipulative power over your wedding reception and guest list - that confuses me.  

I'm attending the wedding to support you and J.  I'm not attending the reception in order to support my family and set a good example for my children.  I am truly sorry if that offends you.  

Love, Tough

And that's the last of the exchange.  My baby brother who is a grown man now with a wonderful wife of his own, calls me today and wanted to schedule a conference call with all of us.  That's taking place Saturday evening.  I am glad to have a moderator, as I am quick to anger and not very good at covering things over the phone.  I am so curious why the kids weren't invited to the wedding, when, as my baby bro puts it, "this dog and pony show was supposed to be FOR the family, right?"  It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Oh, and Diana has since agreed that pending some sort of apology from J, she is willing to see him. She's not granting him any favor, yet, but we'll see if he can give up a day with friends and/or booze to be with her for any amount of time.  I don't feel I used her as a pawn, since she's a feisty one like her mom, but it never hurts to try and sway her towards the wonderful virtue of forgiveness, right?  Even if I still can't stand "wife."

By the way, I sort of cc'd J on that final exchange.  Secrets are poison in a relationship, and he needed to know what was said by both of us.

Thought I'd touch base with... myself, apparently, since no one else really blogs on here...

The boy is growing in leaps and bounds regarding language, motor skills, social awareness, and is getting cuter all the time.  He has tantrums over the silliest things - like when Sissy had a hand-held fan and she stuck her finger in the rotating foam blades, like when he hears bubble wrap pop, or whoopie cushions (sound or no) - and is extremely sweet.  He apologizes when he does something wrong, asks if you're okay if you say 'ow.'  He asks for things he needs, and is just a pleasure to be around.

I would like him to know - should anything ever happen to me- or him - like, ever - that I love him so very much.  I would like him to know I love every second, and appreciate the annoyances that go with being a toddler, because some people don't have that.  I love the way he smells, the way he just cuddles into me, the smushy cheeks and chubby thighs.  I want him to stay small like this forever, and it makes me sad knowing he'll grow, and grow out of it.  Other times, I wish he would grow out of it, like when he still nurses from time to time, or when he doesn't sleep in his own bed, or when his diaper leaks at night. 

I would want him to take with him the knowledge that Mommy adored him, and wanted him to grow up to be a fine man with faith in God and himself.  To be honorable and trustworthy, kind and affectionate without being taken advantage of.  I would love for him to find a woman who will love who he is on the inside, not for his wallet or looks (both of which, btw, I hope he ends up with, LOL!).  I want him to be happy.  If having a family is what he wants, I want it for him.  If he's not interested in having kids, that's fine as well.  I just want him to know he's loved and that I want him to be happy.  I wish him success, I want him to know that it's okay to flounder a bit in your 20's but he needs to have direction before 30, or it'll be harder to pick up from there.  I want him to know I would be proud of him, even if he fails, because he tried.

I would tell him I want him to remain pure until after marriage, but realize that may be a pipe dream in these days.  I would hope he would know the measure of a man is not in how often he's hit the sheets, but in how he can provide for a wife and family.

And lastly, I would urge him to watch his sister's back.  Family's who you're stuck with, and there's no choice in the matter, but I would remind him that Sissy took care of him when Mommy couldn't, and when Daddy wouldn't.  That he needs to take care of her if she needs help, and that he should never stop talking to her.  He had better invite her to his wedding, and include any children involved, because it's not always about you.  You may chose a different path than your sister, but you need to remember you love each other.

And for Sissy, I would tell her how much I love her, every day.  I would want her to know that no matter what, I am proud of her.  I am  proud of how she's grown, how she continues to grow, and that I love her.  I would want her to know that even though we never had much money, it never mattered.  All that mattered was that we had her in our lives, our sunshine, our hope, our motivation.  I want her to know I appreciate everything she does for us, for her brother, and I know what she goes through when I'm not home.

I want her to know that it's okay to be who you are.  I want her to know I would like her to remain pure until her wedding night because that's the ultimate gift a husband can receive.  If a man loves you, he's willing to wait.  It is something that you never get back from your first time, so you may as well save it until you're sure and you have said, "I do."  I know I'm the last person to preach this to either of my children, and when they do the math, they know why.  I want them to know I regret not waiting, only because I wish I could have given that gift to their father.  He is and was a deserving man who deserved my gift, but never got it.  I regret that - but not that I got a beautiful child out of that.  I never regretted having her.  Not for a second!

I want her to know that reading is important, to continue to do it every day.  Learn something new every day, study what interests you, because that could be your future job.  If you love animals, read about animals.  If you love kids, read parenting and psychology books.  If you love math, physics, etc, ... you get the point.

When you kids choose a college, know that the degree doesn't make the person.  Your conservative views will be trampled on in college, unless you seek a private education (and get a scholarship!).  Please just try to get through the years, vent on a blog, without using your real names. 

Don't ever post anything you wouldn't want Nana to read, or SEE!  Job seekers look you up by name or email, so just be smart, use other emails and fake names so no one can hold your opinions against you in the job world.  E-pictures are forever, and people can photoshop.

Don't be too hard on your parents - we may not always be right, but we love you and want what's best for you.

That's all I can think of for now.  If you're a fellow hsp blogger, why not write to your kids as if you weren't going to be around forever? Just a thought :)

I'm going to lead with this: I recognize my feelings are hurt by this gesture.  I realize child-free receptions are the norm and more and more people are doing that these days.  I have a set of sibling-in-laws who got married and had the reception without kids and was not insulted at all, since the relationship line there was never really clear anyhow, and while I know they love our children, they are barely considered relatives in our "family tree". (Husband's stepbrother's wedding - no blood relation whatsoever. No diseases or genetic conditions these people had would ever effect our family history for our children, you see?)  I have also attended a friend's wedding without the children and was not insulted, nor were my feelings hurt.

I am going to attempt to convey to you the force of which this hit me personally, and hope that in reading this, you not only see where I come from, but maybe it helps someone out there deal with the same sort of thing.  Perhaps you're planning a wedding of your own and are considering a child free wedding or reception or both.  Maybe your mind will be changed in some small, compromising way.

I have 2 brothers.  They are both younger than I am.  The one I am 'complaining' about is the one 2 years my junior.  I will call him Eric, in keeping with the anonymity of things.  Eric and I were close as children.  We were good friends, we were usually the ones allied against our youngest brother (umm... Aiden).  We defended eachother on the playground, we played games together as children.  As teens, we covered for eachother's mischief when we could.  It was an unpoken rule we just kept things quiet and never tattled on eachother.  I moved out of the house at 19, he moved out of the house at (I think) 25.  He bought a house, I was renting an apartment.  I got married, his girlfriend was my maid of honor.  It was a small wedding, Aiden was the DJ!  Eric was thrilled that his gf was in the wedding and he got to dance with her in a beautiful dress. He also helped with videography and photography.  I thought he was properly involved given our wedding budget.  Had I been more willing to break from traditional roles, I would've had HIM be my "dude" of honor.

He broke up with his girlfriend almost 2 yrs later. Well, she dumped him - he cheated on her with his now wife.

He told everyone his new girlfriend - now wife - was only living with him because her father kicked her out.  It was temporary.

Three years later, they sell the house and move to FL, in an apartment.

Two and a half years after that, they call to tell me they're engaged.

Eleven days after that, I found out they weren't engaged that day, they were MARRIED at the courthouse.

I cannot begin to convey the shock I felt.  I was insulted by not being involved in any part of anything.  I would've liked that first call to be honest. A "We got hitched" type of phone call.  I could've handled that much better than the deception I encountered.  My heart was broken.

Now, they are using "my" pastor to officiate the ceremony. (and let's face it, dear readers, we know I am often at odds with her on some levels, but I love her like an aunt) The "wedding" is in October.  (please, please, I NEED to put "wedding" in quotes like that because they're already married.  They had a courthouse wedding.  This is a facade, a farce, a clever trick to get money and gifts out of friends and family as a reward for their elopement. I know because it's something I would've done had I known it could have been done.)

The "wedding" itself is at a PARK. Like a CITY PARK, in the middle of the public eye, where Joe Schmoe can be fishing in the lake in the background of all the wedding pictures, and his dog can be peeing on the bride's dress. (ooh, I hope that happens!) ... (no I don't, that crosses the line into evil thinking again. I promised I wouldn't).

The reception is 2 hours later at some sort of hall or something.  There will be drinking there and everyone knows we don't drink.  I realize he might be trying to shield my children from Drunk Uncle Eric, but I firmly believe that between our parents and ourselves, if he can't keep from drinking for a couple of hours, he's got bigger problems than worrying about hurting my feelings over this - he's got a drinking problem if that's what's up!

Bottom line? I am the parent.  IF I take my children to the reception, I will decide if there is too much drinking going on for their saftey or for their innocence, or the (what I call) therapy price.  If I decide it's too much, we will ALL leave.

I also don't understand.  I am 30-(mumbling, trailing off) years old. I don't party.  I wouldn't stay past the dinner and cake anyhow. (I mean, have u seen my picture? ME give up CAKE? LOL) Why does anyone assume I would stay really late or be missing out by not drinking?  Why doesn't my brother trust me enough to know I would rather die than let the kids ruin any event of this magnitude?

Not only that, but the kids can go to the wedding, they're invited.  BUT they can't go to the reception?!?  So they sit quietly for an hour or more, and Uncle Eric denies them FOOD?  My kids are so easy! Food is a HUGE reward for them, and CAKE?!? Are you kidding me?  They'd do just about anything for a piece of cake.  Why do you think I ever learned to cook and bake?!?! For FUN?! HA! I use it as a barganing chip! (eg: If you guys behave at the store, I will make chocolate chip cookies when we get home!)

If it's the cost, I am more than happy to cover the extra plates in the money gift. (not that even a money gift is necessary as they eloped, IMHO)

My parents were shocked, Aiden and his wife were horrified, my sister Maggie was so insulted she's considering not attending.  My (actually OUR) Dad decided that if Eric puts his foot down and won't let the kids go to the reception, HE'LL stay at home and watch them during the reception, missing his OWN SON'S wedding celebration.

Yeah, my Dad is awesome, I am so proud of him.  I am honored by the gesture and am humbled by gravity of it.  I have never been more proud of being his daughter.  Words can't convey it.  It's that huge.

I decided I am bringing the children to the reception.  Not only would I never let my Dad miss this event or celebration, but I believe I am in the right in doing so.

Fact: my kids are the only niece and nephew my siblings have.

Fact: both my brothers live in different states and will be here for only a few days. I don't see them very often.

Fact: Aiden wants to spend some time with the kids and he's coming from FL. (Eric now lives in NV.)

Fact: Uncle Eric used to be Diana's favorite uncle.  (I know she still loves him. How much time does Eric think he'll have to spend with us anyhow? Shoo us away from the party? I don't think so!)

Fact: Mom, Dad, Maggie, Aiden and his wife all agree that if the kids aren't going to the reception, or if Eric has a fit, they will all leave or not attend the reception at all.

I have the family's support.  It's hurting Mom that Eric and I are at odds here, since we used to be so close.  I told Mom that I LOVE Eric and would do almost anything for him.  He's my BROTHER! (Personally, I think it's his wife's doing, and she's the one he has to live with so he's trying to make her happy, but by that same token I wish he'd man up and put his foot down because FAMILY should come first.)

(argueably family includes his new wife for him, but I wouldn't want to be married to anyone without family values, who would "make" you not invite your only niece and nephew, you know?)

I'm so at odds over this.  I am taking the kids, but am wondering (after asking Yahoo answers) if I am making the right choice.  A majority of the public thinks that if he doesn't want the kids there, he has the right to ask that of me.  I argue that he's already had his selfish wedding when he eloped, this was supposed to be for the FAMILY to celebrate.  Why leave important family members out of that? It doesn't make sense.

Uncle Eric making funny faces at his nephew at Baby's 1st Birthday party.

I have to go, my wrist hurts today :(

I'm sad to see the crochet cake go.  I may have to make another for my own counter to free up some cupboard space.  Maybe something in a color totally wacky, like hunter orange, or something that goes with the current decor, like a lavender.  We'll see if my inspiration gets motivation tomorrow... or sometime later than that...

Diana is growing up too fast.  Not fair.  She's going to be a jr bridesmaid for my SIL's wedding, and I'm totally seeing her in a new light.  She's getting taller, smart as a whip, and so mature.  She never ceases to amaze me.  We just need to buckle down with our schoolwork more.

The Baby, who I'm calling Brobee now after his favorite Yo Gabba Gabba character, is turning a corner in speaking and is beginning to not only parrot, but form his own sentences.  His most recent one today was, "Come on!" when the TV wouldn't turn on! LOL, he cracks me up.

Voldemort still works nights, and has been working his tail off with extra route shifts so he's often gone from 5pm to 7am.  Poor guy!

I got a PT job as a hotel grunt.  I'm not a maid, not a janitor, but somewhere in-between.  I do what needs done.  I suppose my title would be part time housekeeper.  It's work I've been doing at home since 2002, so I guess I'm pretty qualified!

Diana watches Brobee - sort of - while Volde gets an extra hour or two of sleep.  My shift is from early afternoon to early evening.  Usually Brobee takes a noon-ish nap, which is about when I leave.  I'm back by dinner.  Diana watches him and plays with him until Volde wakes up around 1 or so.  If Brobee sleeps for 2 hours, Diana doesn't have to do anything.  I pay her in video game time, which works for her.  I feel guilty about working sometimes.  I guess that will pass when I get paid for the first time in 7 years.  Not that it's a huge check, mind you, with PT unskilled labor - but it's only that much more that we have to budget with, right?

I got Dr. Laura's new book, "In Praise of Stay at Home Mothers (or Moms, which one is it?... whichever)" which only makes the guilt that much worse.  Especially since I got it from Voldemort for my birthday, 2 days after starting my new job.

I'm sick of trying to defend this, though, since the kids are with their father (sleeping for a little, but no major mishaps will happen without an adult nearby to fix whatever it is that happens).  It's only like 15 hours a week, and it's cleaning. Something I need to do more of anyhow.  If I clean at work, I am more likely to clean at home, since I'll be in the 'cleaning groove' and more likely to not neglect those details we all tend to overlook when we stay at home all day every day without a real reason to leave the house most days.  I admit, I was feeling claustrophobic, underappreciated, and not equal in the relationship.  I felt BAD wanting to take the kids out to see a movie once in a while, or go shopping and buy a pretzel and smoothies for crying out loud!  There's the gas expense, the $ for the sundries, and the whole thing is no fun if you're worrying about how that extra 10 bucks could've bought milk!  So there.  My paycheck is going towards savings and towards fun outings like a bounce house or ice skating or something like that.

Heck, my paycheck, if used properly, could be dance lessons or riding lessons - well, gas to get there, I can do the lessons if I revisit some old friends and borrow some horses.  I could do so much good with that extra income, including helping us get a loan to actually own our first home.  Can you believe when we thought of applying, visiting a loan center, we were told we can't get approved?  If, however, I had shoved the kids in daycare, and managed a negative income from work wardrobe, second car expenses and all that while working, we could've been approved!?!  So the whole mortgage industry was (IMHO) anti-SAHM, anti-traditional values, and all.  Maybe the next time we ask, with my PT income and his FT income, we'll be easier to approve...

I'm also glad to have a job in this economy, just in case Volde's job tanks for some reason.  I don't know how that would happen, but thankfully I would have something, income-wise, and skill set wise.  Hotels are always looking for housekeepers because it's crappy work, hard labor, and physically demanding stuff.  So it's a skill set, in a matter of speaking, that all hotels use, and I could move anywhere.  And I'm not stupid, have management experience, and would transition easily from housekeeper to behind the desk, if I needed to.

I've gotta go.  I know not too many people read me anymore, but it's comforting to get my thoughts out somewhere relatively safe.  So thank you, whatever you are, whoever you are, you are a great comfort to me in those wee hours in the evening when my train of thought derails my rest. ;)