I'm so frustrated I could spit!!  Of course, that'd short out my keyboard...

Backstory: those faithful readers who have followed things (numbering 1, counting me) remember my brother who eloped, told us weeks later?  Well, like a bad Poltergeist rerun, he's baaack!  Except this time, it's his...what's the word for someone who may be evil, but you're not sure the exact level of evil, and you don't want to offend such evil in cyberspace in case she ever paid attention to what I was typing?...there's no such word? Okay, then wife, but in quotations: "wife."

I get an Evite (so common!) to their rehearsal dinner the other day.

Backtracking: the kids aren't involved in the wedding - they weren't even invited.  Take a moment, dear readers - they aren't even INVITED to the wedding according to the envelope addressed to me and my husband!

The Evite invites us all to her dad and stepmom's, including the kids.  Seems nice, right?

No! You're so wrong!  These are the people who threw her out at 19, her dad was (is?) an alchoholic, and her stepmom was described BY HER in her own words as a controlling (you know what!).  Her dad's older, wife younger by almost half his age, and they have 2 small children under 5.  That I know of.

Why on Earth would I want to go to these strangers' house with my children?  Just asking.  So I send an email to that effect.  I reiterate that we're not involved in the wedding - that my kids aren't something you include at your convienence in one aspect of your occasion, but not another.  That... well, short of saying, "you're lucky I'm even attending your fake wedding to begin with" I said everything else on my mind.  I tried to do it in the nicest way possible, explaining how hurt I was by all this... Here, a copy/paste scenario - with names omitted, of course, and spelling errors in, so you can see what I'm dealing with (she hasn't found the return key to separate paragraphs, yet, either):

Hey Tough!
  Hope that things are going well with you guys right now! I wanted to let you about the rehersal dinner on WhateverDateIt'sOnDoesn'tMatter. The kids are more than welcome to come and join the festivities. My little brother and sister will be there as well so it should be a lot of fun for them. I just wanted you to know that I hope Voldemort will be able to make it as well. But its a 6pm at my parents house, which is relatively close to mom and dad's house. If you have any questions or what not, just let me know. Hope to see all of you guys there!!!!

Love,
"wife"

My response, snarky though it may be:

Dear "wife",
There are always things in life you wish you could undo, un-see, or un-hear.  Your past descriptions of your family here in (wherever it is I live) are what I wish I could un-hear.  I remember your dad being described by you as an alcoholic, and your stepmom described as a controlling (you know what).  These are, according to the story, the same people who wouldn't let you as a 19 yr old have a checking account, so you moved out.  

I'm confident you're not asking me to bring my children around such people, nor are you thinking that I might possibly be offended by the children's sudden involvement when it's been such a hot button issue for you in the rest of the wedding.  (And I can't understand your point of view here; you don't have your little siblings attending your wedding.  We simply disagree.)  

It is my belief that people in attendance of the rehearsal dinner are people meant to attend the wedding (immediate family, those standing up) and not those who are picked and chosen for particular aspects of the celebration (which I still believe is a moot point, as you're already married).

I'm sure there will be other times for us to get together, but I think the wedding week is stressful enough for you without having to deal with a recently-offended sister in law who doesn't share your point of view on the children-issue.  

Love Tough

Then, she calls and leaves a voicemail.  Totally innocuous, but a "call me back" was requested.

I then write the following:

Dear "wife",
>  I just recieved your voicemail.  I don't intend to call you back because I come across better in print than in "person."  Right now, I'm not sure I will come across as very nice over the phone.  I find if I have the time to think it over, see how it reads, and have time to fix it so it says what I mean it to say, I am much more clear communicating via email or chat.  I am afraid of a phone confrontation, as I've already had those with (let's call him J for fun!), and those haven't gone well.
>   
>  I love him, he's my brother.  We don't have the type of relationship I'd like to have with him, because I would love to be more in touch with him.  He's not a talker, and I respect that.  But if I talk with you or him over the phone right now, especially over this, I risk losing a relationship with him all together.  It's no secret I'm quick to anger.
>   
>  I have already agreed to attend the wedding, supporting you both.  There's nothing more I can do to show further support.  I feel I'm already meeting you both halfway in respecting your wishes to have an adult reception.  Since the children weren't invited to the wedding, I was already offended.  I thought I was closer to my brother than that.  I thought that no matter the distance, the relationship J forged with Diana actually meant something to him, and he wanted her to be a part of his life and major life events.  To hear that he's snubbed her as any part of the day really hurt us all.  She's really upset, and at this point in the game, J and Diana have an unfixable relationship.  She actually is refusing to have any part in seeing him when you guys arrive in town.  I'm not going to force her, since I had many years in being forced to see uncles I didn't like, and I resent those
>  events.
>   
>  Now, for me, I'm hurt.  To say this wedding was for the family, then not include half of my immediate family, really annoys me.  I realize it's becoming more common to not include the children in the receptions, but most couples think that family are acceptable attendees for such events.  I was brought up to believe family was important, and I would like to send my own children a message that they are important - not 'in the way' or an inconvience, and certainly not something to toss aside for an evening.  My children don't have a sitter- nor do I feel the need to find one.
>   
>  I had half a mind in the beginning of all this to just bring the kids anyhow, until someone pointed out that it might cause more controversy for me and J - again, something I'd like to avoid all together.  He's important to me, and you're important to him, ergo, you're important to me - which is why I am writing rather than talking over the phone.  I want to be sure you know that I want what's best for my brother AND you.  Since you guys don't want kids there, I will respect that.  Volde agreed to watch the kids while I attend your wedding.
>   
>  Beyond the "wedding" though, at least this time around, I really don't see a whole "happy family reunion" happening.  Beyond the lip service of "we love the kids" is the action behind it, which currently sends a conflicting message.  If you guys love the kids, they wouldn't have been excluded from your happy occasion.  Period.
>   
>  Then to get an invitation to a rehearsal dinner for a wedding none of my household is a part of, tossing the kids into that seems like an afterthought. It's just insulting, and while I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across that way, it did.  My children aren't an afterthought.  They are included in our lives, raised and educated by us, and spend a majority of their time among grownups in the real world.
>   
>  "Love me, Love my kids."  We are a package deal; a unified front.
>   
>  I'm open to email correspondence, I'm open to any questions or challenges you've got for me and my ideas, my logic and everything else.  I'm just not doing this over the phone because I love J and don't want to hurt you by saying something I will later wish I could take back.  Again, it's no secret I'm quick to anger.  I get hot headed and blow up in person (kinda like J does, LOL) and I don't want to do that today.  I'd rather have the time I need to formulate my words, my ideas, and make sure I'm not all "yelly."  I apologize for any inconvienence this causes, but I'm not willing to lose ANY family members over this.
>   
>  Love, Tough

To which she responds thus, in a rather "yelly" tone if you ask me:

Tough,
  I understand that you would perfer to speak over email, but I feel that as adults we should be able to speak over the phone reagrding this whole situation. though you said you get angry rather quickly, we are family now and your an adult and should be able to handle your emotions a little better. I would like to work this out with you and I do not want to keep agruing about this issue. Which is a small issue that has been taken and blown up into something completely ridiculous. The kids should NOT be placed in the middle of the situation. At all! You are the one the is creating this animosity between the family. I would suggest calling your brother like the adult you claim to be and apologize. You are the only one that has a problem with this one rule we had. We gave you almost a year to find a sitter and you choose to want manipulate your family to get your way. That's realy low and hurtful Tough. Gamily doesn't do that. And for that email
proior, um that was 6 years ago that I spoke to you about my family. They have since changed and are a huge part of my life. You have NO right to throw that in my face AT ALL!!!!!! Not only was that comment disrespectful to me but to my family. I have never in my life have had someone act like this. Stop being so emotional about this whole situation. Its not all about you Tough! And for that, my question to you is why can't you have a nice night out with your husband at our wedding? I might be nice for you to get out and not have to worry about the kids for once. J is very hurt by you acting like this and it causing him more stress than he needs. And I am choosing not to tell him about what you said about Diana. That is wrong and hurtful to say. She is 8 years old and J has never once did anything to her. If you would have explained to your child that its because of money she maybe would have understood. If you would like to speak, I would
suggest calling so we can talk this over like adults and like family.

(wow - that was either left field calling or someone's escaped the underworld and J never noticed!) While she raises valid points, she's obviously not a proofreader...

My response:

Outbursts like this are why I chose to email, rather than over the phone.  I feel my tone with you has been respectful thusfar.  If you have taken offense, I apologize, but I'm not apologizing for my feelings, or the fact that I am better at typing a response than talking it out in person.

I have nothing to apologize to J for. Diana is 8 years old, and old enough to understand what's going on.  We live in a house that is under 1000 sq feet - there's not much that goes on that goes unnoticed.  She is aware that it is NOT a money issue, as that had been brought up by Mom.  I know she offered to pay their way.  I know our wedding gift would've covered the cost, too.  Please don't insult my intelligence in saying it's about money, because we all know that's not true.  We don't understand your reason for not wanting kids there - most likely because we have 2 of our own.  If anything, J owes Diana an apology, and a REAL reason she's not welcome.  

You said what you said about your family.  I never, NEVER heard you say anything beyond that because you haven't talked to me in the last 6 years.  I didn't throw anything in your face, since I was keeping my tone respectful and calm, and refraining from namecalling (aside from what YOU had quoted to me years ago). 

You can call me low, and believe I'm the one with some sort of power in all this, but the reality is people can make their own judgement calls on any issue they choose.  I never said anything to my parents to make them side with me.  I asked them if they knew you guys were asking me to find a sitter for the evening - the rest was their reaction to family being excluded.   

I have no control over my parents or their reactions.  I have no control over Diana's reactions - she may be "only" 8 yrs old, but she is wise beyond those years.  

YOU are the one who continues to make it an issue, not me.  "one rule"? - I'm saddened by this.  I truly hope you learn the joy that your own children bring.  I hope you know the feeling of sadness when you have to leave them in the hands of strangers.  I may be 'immature' in my feelings about my kids, but so what?  They're mine, not yours.  I understand people wanting to leave their kids behind for an evening, but it's not something we've ever felt in 8 years!  Remember, we don't drink or anything, we're not big partiers, we're homebodies.  We like our family time.  To ask us to leave them behind is like asking us to lop off an arm - it's not happening.  We don't care about being alone together on a date or anything - we're weird.  

Even if the whole family were invited to the wedding and reception, we wouldn't have stayed past 9pm.  We wouldn't have drank anything, and our booze placecards would've been a waste.  We would've stayed to watch your "first dance" and maybe the cake cutting, but beyond that, we would've been gone.  We would've included a generous wedding gift to cover our plates and a little extra for your trouble, and the entire extended family would have noticed nothing out of the ordinary.  Since I'm attending the wedding only, on principle, this scenario won't happen.  

You chose this path, not me.  You see this as being within my control.  I'm nobody in this wedding, I don't understand how you think I have any manipulative power over your wedding reception and guest list - that confuses me.  

I'm attending the wedding to support you and J.  I'm not attending the reception in order to support my family and set a good example for my children.  I am truly sorry if that offends you.  

Love, Tough

And that's the last of the exchange.  My baby brother who is a grown man now with a wonderful wife of his own, calls me today and wanted to schedule a conference call with all of us.  That's taking place Saturday evening.  I am glad to have a moderator, as I am quick to anger and not very good at covering things over the phone.  I am so curious why the kids weren't invited to the wedding, when, as my baby bro puts it, "this dog and pony show was supposed to be FOR the family, right?"  It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Oh, and Diana has since agreed that pending some sort of apology from J, she is willing to see him. She's not granting him any favor, yet, but we'll see if he can give up a day with friends and/or booze to be with her for any amount of time.  I don't feel I used her as a pawn, since she's a feisty one like her mom, but it never hurts to try and sway her towards the wonderful virtue of forgiveness, right?  Even if I still can't stand "wife."

By the way, I sort of cc'd J on that final exchange.  Secrets are poison in a relationship, and he needed to know what was said by both of us.